On How My Husband Got a HUGE Gash on His Head

A few weeks ago my husband got a huge gash on his head. It was pretty... check it out:

The way he got the gash is... well... less than glamourous.

Story #1:

While I was out at a 7 hour yoga teacher training, dear dear husband hung the photos in the office that we had been meaning to hang for quite some time now. Because he was home alone while hanging these photos, he had no assistant to hold the ladder up while he hung them. As the tale goes, he allegedly was holding up the (very heavy) middle photo, while holding the hand drill, with a nail in his mouth, all while balancing on a crappy ladder/step stool that we have been meaning to replace. The ladder tilted forward, he lost his balance, the photo fell to the ground and his head made out with the wall and slid against it as he tried to catch the photo.

The scene of the crime.

Story #2

I had to learn the names of yoga poses in English and in Sanskrit for an upcoming quiz in my teacher training. Nick was helping me study my naming the Sanskrit pose and I would then act out the pose. He noticed that by studying that way, I was not learning the Sanskrit properly, so we switched places and he began doing the poses and I would say the Sanskrit word. Now he wouldn't actually DOOOO the poses. He would just kind of half do them so I could just recognize the pose he was trying to do. Well, he attempted to REALLY do pincha mayurasana which is supposed to look like this:

I wasn't even learning this pose yet, but he saw it was on the same page as the study sheet and he went for it, and it did not end well. Hence, the rug burn on the head.

Highlight the text after the start to reveal which story is true * The true story is story #2. Yes, it is true that Nick got owned by a yoga pose; a very difficult pose however. He has not done an ounce of yoga since our study session which is good for both his head and my sanity. Even though this post may embarrass my dear husband, in both stories he was being a totally amazing spouse and I am super lucky to be married to such a non yogi guy. I think two yogis living under the same roof may be a bit much. And yes, he did hang those photos so beautifully in story #1 while I was out one day (without falling!).

On Being Non-Yogi

The other day the hubs and I went to the movies to see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. We enjoyed the flick very much and it kept us discussing the movie for a few days after seeing it. Without giving any details of the movie away, there is a particularly disturbing scene (well a few actually), but the one that I am referencing happens toward the endish of the movie... in a basement. During this disturbing scene, the song Sail Away by Enya (you can listen to it by clicking here). Enya is huge in the yoga playlist world, and the other day the song came on during my advanced yoga class during our sun salutations. Side note: I only mention that it was an advanced class not to be all "look at me I am an advanced yogi!" but in advanced classes the instructors don't always explain the next move; especially during sun salutations because everyone in the class knows how to flow through them with their own breath. SO when this Enya song came on during our salutations, everyone was pretty zen focusing on their movement and breath and the instructor wasn't talking.

I heard the Enya song come on during our sun salutations and although I was completely focused on my breath, I immediately snapped out of it and opened my eyes to look around the room in case any other Girl With the Dragon Tattoo seers got suddenly startled by Enya. My brain immediately went to that creepy basement scene... and believe me, that is NOT a place you want to be while you're trying to zen out in a yoga class.

I was so creeped out and couldn't focus that I leaned over to the person next to me (he is a friend and getting teacher certified with me). Although I know that talking during class is a serious yogi no no, I went against my better judgement.

Story #1:

During my downward dog I leaned over to my neighbor friend and said:

me: PSSSSSSSSSSSST

neighbor: (looked at me and appeared disturbed. He knew I knew talking during yoga is un cool)

me: Have you seen Girl With the Dragon Tattoo???

neighbor: No.

me: OK never mind.

I then turned to the girl next to me (who I didn't know).

me: PSSSSSSSSSSSST

other neighbor: (looked at me and appeared disturbed).

me: Have you seen Girl With the Dragon Tattoo???

other neighbor: No.

me: OK never mind.

Then throughout the entire class all I could think was how I interrupted two people's focus. I was so mad at myself and Enya. I tried to explain to them both at the end of class that the Enya song is during a creepy part of the movie. Neither seemed to care at all.

Note to self: Don't talk to people during yoga. It's awkward.

Story #2:

During my downward dog I leaned over to my neighbor friend and said:

me: PSSSSSSSSSSSST

neighbor: (looked at me and appeared disturbed. He knew I knew talking during yoga is un zen)

me: Have you seen Girl With the Dragon Tattoo???

YOGA INSTRUCTOR: Jenna, SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

OMG. I realized that I had just got yogi yelled at. My face turned red as if I got in trouble at in Kindergarten. I continued my sun salutations with sweaty armpits because I knew I had just made a serious yogi faux pas. Stupid Enya.

Highlight the text after the star to reveal which story is true * The true story is Story #1. Neither of my neighbors had seen the movie and since we were in the middle of our sun salutations I couldn't then explain why I had asked and I just looked like I was hitting on them both during a yoga class. I learned my lesson never to speak to a neighbor during class again because basically nothing good can come of it. Namaste.

On Bringing Your Nasty Sickness to Work

Story #1

The other day I walked into the break room to clean my mug. A man walked in coughing like a mad man and starts walking towards me. He says "Don't come near me. I am sick." COUGH COUGH. I was thinking,ummm you're the one walking toward me. Back off with your nasty germs. He then continues to cough up a storm and tell me that his sister (who is a doctor) thinks it is pneumonia. He said, "It's SO BAD. COUGHHHHH. I have never been so sick before." I then grabbed some paper towels so that I could dry my mug on my way back to my office, I held my breath and ran out of the break room. I couldn't even give the obligatory "hope you feel better!" because I was so disgusted by his pneumonia germs that were now potentially infesting my LUNGS.

Story #2

I work in a company where the majority of the employees are men. 9.98 times out of 10 that I use the restroom I am alone.... which is lovely. However, I walked into the restroom the other day and heard a woman (apologizing ahead of time if anyone is reading this during dinner) vomiting in the stall next to me. I normally have a strict no chatting across stalls policy, but I felt required to help a fellow lady employee out in need. I reluctantly asked across the stall, "Are you ok over there?" A very sick lady answered back "Yeah, I am ok. I have had the flu for 2 days. I was in here throwing up all day yesterday too." At that point, my inner I am not sorry for you came out and I responded. "Good luck! Hope you feel better." I peaced out of there ASAP and hoped that there are enough women in my building so that the puker won't know which one of us didn't offer to get her a glass of water. Sorry fellow woman employee, if you have had the flu for 2 days then don't come infest the office with your germs.

Highlight the text after the star to reveal which story is true * The true story is Story #1. It is true that a guy who thought he had pneumonia thought nothing about coughing his nastyness all over me while saying "Don't come near me." And although it would make me mad that someone would come to work with the flu, I would hope that in the bathroom situation that I would help a sister out a little bit!

On Saying Things I Don't Really MEAN

Story #1:
I flew to Kentucky the other weekend with my husband for his cousin's beautiful wedding. We were only there for the weekend so our sleep schedule got quite turned around with the early mornings, late nights, and time change. We had a 4 hour layover (yes, FOUR hours) in Denver on our way back to California. On the flight from Denver to Cali I was super exhausted but we got to talking to our seat neighbor (which goes way against my "no talking to people on air planes" policy...or most public places, really), but he was a really nice guy so we made an exception.

We finally landed in Cali around 11:00pm and as we walked off the plane our new friend was right behind me and in my head I was reminding myself that I need to say goodbye to him before we parted ways in the airport. As I was stepping off the plane, the flight attendant said bye to me and I said back, "Bye! It was so great meeting you and talking with you!" He said back, "Hah! Did we meet?!"

Oooopsie. My tired brain said my farewell to the wrong person.

Story #2:
I am working on a huge proposal at work right now and I have been spending more time than usual on my office phone. Sometimes they are conference calls with all of the team members, sometimes they are long calls with the head authors to figure out road blocks, and most commonly they are short quick calls with the proposal manager.

The quick calls typically go something like this:

Proposal Manager (PM): Hey
Me: Hey
PM: Did you upload that doc?
Me: Yeah. And emailed you that spreadsheet
PM: Cool, I just sent you that other email. Upload that one too.
Me: OK. Will do
PM: OK bye
PM: OK great BYE (always enthusiastic!)

I have also been working a lot more hours than usual to reach this proposal deadline. This means lots of late nights and a very exhausted me.

The other day instead of saying "OK great BYE," I said "OK, love you, BYE!" I hung up the phone and GASSSSSSSSPED before my office mate could even correct me. I called the PM back immediately and apologized and explained that that is how I get off the phone with my family, husband, and friends and I was tired and made a mistake. He laughed and made some stupid joke about me not loving him which embarrassed me further.

Note to self, don't tell people you love them if you don't really mean it. Telling people you don't love them is a lot more uncomfortable.

Highlight the text after the star to reveal which story is true * The true story is story number one. I accidentally told a flight attendant who I did not meet that it was great to meet him! Way less embarrassing telling that to a stranger than telling the proposal manager with whom I work every day that I love him.

On The Military Alphabet

Story #1:

Ok, so I have recently changed my last name to my new married name. I have heard that this process is a huge pain in the arse, but no one prepared me for the amount of time that I have been on the phone with customer service representatives. I have realized that I just do not have the patience to listen to the automated robot that will filter me to the correct representative. I just want to speak to a human.

Before I call each customer service number, I have to pull up the military alphabet on wikipedia so that I can properly spell my new last name without sounding like an idiot when I try to spell my last name using words.

I have this complex that whenever I am trying to spell something to someone over the phone that I panic and CAN'T THINK OF ANY WORD IN THE WORLD THAT BEGINS WITH THE LETTER "S". EVER. I sound like "S as in........" and for some reason guys, I sometimes can only think of dirty words! Like my brain is just trying to be funny in my moment of vulnerability.

So my solution to my panic is to pull up the military alphabet and correctly spell my new last name like this (I have it memorized from doing it so many times!):

S as in Sierra

A as in Alpha

U as in Uniform

N as in November

D as in Delta

E as in Echo

R as in Romeo

S as in Sierra

Simple. Beautiful.

The other day I was lucky enough to speak to the most creative and hilarious human customer service representative who threw me for a total loop. I said my new last name and she decided to spell it back to me for verification. I wrote down what she said because I got a total kick out of this creative cat.

S as in Samoa girl scout cookie

A as in Armpit hair

U as in Under the boardwalk, down by the sea

N as in Nemo from Finding Nemo

D as in Dump trucks

E as in Earwax

R as in Rumplestiltskin

S as in Sorry Miss Jackson, I am for real.

I was hysterical by the time she got to Nemo. When she finished spelling my name she was giggling too and I said "Ma'am, you just made my day and you're the most creative person I have ever talked to." She laughed and said it had been a long day and her shift ended in 10 minutes. You're in the wrong profession, Jessica from Ohio.

Story #2:

Nick and I are flying together in a few days and when I pulled up the reservation today I noticed that our not next to each other (after we originally picked seats next to each other when we bought the tickets.) I called the airline because hubs was home sick with a nasty cold that I so nicely gave him. When I asked the customer service representative to reassign our seats she said "NO CAN DO" and gave me a bunch of reasons why she couldn't fix it, I gave in and hung up. I called the hubs and he decided to call and give it a try.

Well his customer service representative was a lot more pleasant and immediately reassigned our seats to next to each other. She then asked for his last name and for him to verify the spelling. Nick began to spell out our last name using the military alphabet the best he could. He got to the letter "U" and couldn't think of any word in the entire world that began with "U" so he TOTALLY panicked. He finally just gave up trying to spell our last name using words and just said "U. N. D. E. R. S. Saunders like Saunders. Sorry, I need to work on my Greek alphabet."

The customer service agent said: "I think you mean military alphabet."

A dear, sweet, mortified little Nick said: "Yep. That too!"

The conversation ended and allegedly we are sitting next to each other on our next flight.

Highlight the text after the star to reveal which story is true * The true story is story number two. It is true that Nick mistakenly confused the military alphabet with the Greek alphabet in a moment of fluster! Of course he knows the difference between the two and did not use a sigma or an epsilon when spelling our name! Rest assured friends, I have been working on "U" words with Nick for next time he is in a pinch.

I'M BACK!

Hi Friends!

I am finished my three month hiatus and ready to get back to the blogging world. A lot of things have happened in the past three months. For example, I got married, I legally changed my name, I traveled to Indonesia with my new hubs, my Bieber fever has subsided quite a bit, I wrote 150 thank you notes... just to name a few. Lucky for us, all of these changes have garnered a great deal of blogging material.

So now let's get to business. Thank you for staying with me through my break :)

Hiatus....

Ok dudes... who knew wedding planning was a full time job?

I was feeling like my latest blog posts were decreasing quality so I wanted to take a break while my focus is not on blogging until I have more free time.

I hope I still have some readers in a few weeks :/